withdrawals
I forgot to get my coffee this morning. I feel like a tiny imp is pounding a jackhammer into the back of my skull while my eyes droop and my face looms over this table menancingly.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
karmic reading
Occasionally, as I zoom through the great Internet I come across a few tidbits that I stop for. This is one of them
Waiter Rant
Waiter Rant
Friday, November 03, 2006
its a disease
I'm seeing a greater number of these incidents pop up over YouTube. When I saw the first one I thought it was funny and cute. But now, babies everywhere are falling into this mindless giggling! We must save them from chronic giggling! My friend Lily has a clip of her own niece giggling senselessly. Its a disease and its not stopping! They strike our weakest, our babies. Next we'll see 5 year olds giggling senselessly and before we know it, adults will too fall to this senseless giggling.
Tee hee hee.
Tee hee hee.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
a sight for sore eyes
This is going to be what my friend Jessica calls a piggy post. Actually she calls my behavior "oink oink squeal" when I talk to her about girls. I don't think she's being complimentary but its ok, because Jessica is a retard anyway and never reads my blog so she need not know. I declare myself winner of this argument with Jessica by default!
Good times.
Today I visited an optometrist. Or an optician. Or an optodoctor. The last time I visited someone who took a close look at my eyes was 5 years ago, where I did not actually meet the optoquack.
Today, I went to this ethic chinese village place thingy in Cupertino where everyone in the stores speaks Chinese whether you are Chinese, white, black or latino. It is the first time I've ever been in a store where I spoke English while she communicated exclusively in Chinese. Strange.
I began by while filling out a boring form about myself, what's my name, where I live, what's my social security number, blah blah blah. Then an assistant too me to the game room. I call it the game room because I got to sit down, stare into a void while the assistant shoots beams of light into my eyes to try to determine the degree of vision impairment or permanently damage my vision. I suspect the latter. Since I could not stare without blinking, it turned into a game where she sees if she can blind me before I blink.
Once we're done with the light-shooty-in-my-eyes game, she puts my face on the wind-blowy-in-my-eyes game. This is where she shoots air into my eyes. I don't know what this proves but I found this game especially hard. When someone blows into your eyes, YOU WILL BLINK. And the longer she paused in between shots of air, the twitchier my eyes became. And it became a competition, could she shoot air into my eyes before I blinked. I think she lost this game.
The final game involved me looking dead center at a yellow light, while in my peripheral vision a light would blink. I was given a little clicker which I must click whenever I see a light blink. This one was rather fun but I started getting nervous. What if I missed a light? What if a light blinked far away from the center and my peripheral vision didn't catch it? What if I failed this test and had like glaucoma and had to wear super thick nerdy glasses?
The stupid game didn't help either, instead of repetitive *click* *click* *click* it would go *click* *click*click* *click*click* *click* and you never knew when it would happen. Fortunately, my days playing twitch games like Bejeweled helped. Thanks Bejeweled! Because of you, I do not have to wear nerdy glasses!
I know I passed this test because when I was finished I sneaked a peak at the screen and I got 40 our of 40 for both my eyes. Damn, I am good at games.
Once this was done, the assistant came to get me and handed me off to the doctor.
At this point I must digress and say that most optowitches I've met are old men or ugly ass women who rely on the poor vision of their clients to keep their business going. But when a petite girl no more than 23 walked out and took the clipboard, I could not help but do a double take. She was cute. And much more so when I finally put my glasses back on.
Suffice to say, under her tender care, I was exceptionally witty during my eye exam going so far as to declare "I think that's a U, or a C, or an O, they look all alike. Don't you think?" and "That looks like an F, or a P. Goddamn this shit is hard".
So I don't do so well in exams.
But she was exceptionally patient, flipping all sorts of contraption that made my vision clearer, then blurrer then clearer again. But despite her best efforts I could never read the third line. Goddamn you third line. In retrospect I should have written it down or at least memorized it when I walked in the door. Perhaps scribbled it quickly on the back of my hands.
Once she was done, she said in her soft voice, "Well it looks like your vision hasn't changed" to which I stupidly replied "That's ok, I mostly came to get a new pair of glasses anyway, I can see fine with these prescriptions". What I should have said was, "Alas, before today I did not know what it was to see, for once I have beholden you, my eyes are open. Such beauty is not meant for mortal men. Let me put out my eyes so that the very last vision I might have is of your beautiful self".
But I did not. And suddenly, the exam was over and I was ushered out so that I might select my frame but, my heart was not in it.
Good times.
Today I visited an optometrist. Or an optician. Or an optodoctor. The last time I visited someone who took a close look at my eyes was 5 years ago, where I did not actually meet the optoquack.
Today, I went to this ethic chinese village place thingy in Cupertino where everyone in the stores speaks Chinese whether you are Chinese, white, black or latino. It is the first time I've ever been in a store where I spoke English while she communicated exclusively in Chinese. Strange.
I began by while filling out a boring form about myself, what's my name, where I live, what's my social security number, blah blah blah. Then an assistant too me to the game room. I call it the game room because I got to sit down, stare into a void while the assistant shoots beams of light into my eyes to try to determine the degree of vision impairment or permanently damage my vision. I suspect the latter. Since I could not stare without blinking, it turned into a game where she sees if she can blind me before I blink.
Once we're done with the light-shooty-in-my-eyes game, she puts my face on the wind-blowy-in-my-eyes game. This is where she shoots air into my eyes. I don't know what this proves but I found this game especially hard. When someone blows into your eyes, YOU WILL BLINK. And the longer she paused in between shots of air, the twitchier my eyes became. And it became a competition, could she shoot air into my eyes before I blinked. I think she lost this game.
The final game involved me looking dead center at a yellow light, while in my peripheral vision a light would blink. I was given a little clicker which I must click whenever I see a light blink. This one was rather fun but I started getting nervous. What if I missed a light? What if a light blinked far away from the center and my peripheral vision didn't catch it? What if I failed this test and had like glaucoma and had to wear super thick nerdy glasses?
The stupid game didn't help either, instead of repetitive *click* *click* *click* it would go *click* *click*click* *click*click* *click* and you never knew when it would happen. Fortunately, my days playing twitch games like Bejeweled helped. Thanks Bejeweled! Because of you, I do not have to wear nerdy glasses!
I know I passed this test because when I was finished I sneaked a peak at the screen and I got 40 our of 40 for both my eyes. Damn, I am good at games.
Once this was done, the assistant came to get me and handed me off to the doctor.
At this point I must digress and say that most optowitches I've met are old men or ugly ass women who rely on the poor vision of their clients to keep their business going. But when a petite girl no more than 23 walked out and took the clipboard, I could not help but do a double take. She was cute. And much more so when I finally put my glasses back on.
Suffice to say, under her tender care, I was exceptionally witty during my eye exam going so far as to declare "I think that's a U, or a C, or an O, they look all alike. Don't you think?" and "That looks like an F, or a P. Goddamn this shit is hard".
So I don't do so well in exams.
But she was exceptionally patient, flipping all sorts of contraption that made my vision clearer, then blurrer then clearer again. But despite her best efforts I could never read the third line. Goddamn you third line. In retrospect I should have written it down or at least memorized it when I walked in the door. Perhaps scribbled it quickly on the back of my hands.
Once she was done, she said in her soft voice, "Well it looks like your vision hasn't changed" to which I stupidly replied "That's ok, I mostly came to get a new pair of glasses anyway, I can see fine with these prescriptions". What I should have said was, "Alas, before today I did not know what it was to see, for once I have beholden you, my eyes are open. Such beauty is not meant for mortal men. Let me put out my eyes so that the very last vision I might have is of your beautiful self".
But I did not. And suddenly, the exam was over and I was ushered out so that I might select my frame but, my heart was not in it.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
turtlenecks
“Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.”
-- Mitch Hedberg
