F*cktard

Was cheered to read in the papers today

Hisham regrets wielding keris, he apologises to all Malaysians

Until I read this:

“To the non-Malays because of the fear to a symbol which was not my intention. And to the Malays for not being able to uphold their symbol of heritage.”

他妈的

I hope Anwar comes in and whips your lily ass.

Declining standards

At the risk of sounding like a very jaded ancient person lamenting about the 'good-old-days', I just want to ask (nobody in particular) whatever happened to The Resume?

I mean:

One. "Excellent 'writen' and spoken English" - wahlau.
Two. "Gained experience thru ..." - damn super gengchau wahlau. u tink resume is lk sms izzit?
Three. (My all time favourite, found in the 'Relevant Job Experience' section) ...



CLOWN...

not even ENTERTAINER, but just CLOWN

of the three, I'm rooting for the clown.

Efficiency

One of the reasons why you wouldn't call my department efficient is because two members of said department have been parked in front of my cubicle discussing how to print a CD cover for the past 24 minutes.

JUST PRINT THE GODFORSAKEN THING ALREADY

god.

Job Application

Criteria

1. Male & Female (Malaysian) - Yes (yes)
2. SPM with credit in English and Bahasa Malaysia or equivalent Yes and Yes
   
3. Age: between 20 and 30 years old Yes
   
4. Male: Height minimum 170cm, maximum 183 cm barefoot Not applicable
   
5. Female: Height minimum 157cm, maximum 170cm barefoot Yes-ish... -_- shurrup
   
6. Eyesight: 6/9 I'm going to say YES, until I understand the question
   
7. Good communicational skills Yes. I'm also good at powerpoint which is an important Communication Tool
   
8. Happy, fun personality Yes-a-doodle-doo. I am a certified Fun-aholic, Fun-tastic, FUN FACTORY
9. Fluent Spoken English and Bahasa Malaysia Yes and Yes o_O

My Application Letter:

Dear Whom It May Concern,

Application for Position of FLIGHT ATTENDANT on AIR ASIA

Firstly please allow me to congratulate you for the recent award you received, Airline Of The Year 2007. Even though the award is only for airlines in the Asia Pacific, I still laud and congratulate you because it is a big achievement to be recognized in spite of your shitty level of service.

With reference to the above, I would like to apply for the position of FLIGHT ATTENDANT on your Low Cost Carrier Airline, Air Asia. I understand that you have many talented, beautiful, career-minded young people on your crew, and I would LOVE the opportunity to be part of your team.

I feel that I have many suitable qualities that will allow me to fit right into the AIR ASIA FLIGHT ATTENDANT family. For example, I am bossy, I always look extremely bored, I wear hideous shades of eye makeup and I always wear clothing that are two sizes too small for me. These are only a selected few of the many AIR ASIA FLIGHT ATTENDANT-qualities that I possess!

I understand that you also lack a career progression plan for your FLIGHT ATTENDANTs. This is perfect for me because I want to be an AIR ASIA FLIGHT ATTENDANT for the Rest of My Life. I cannot imagine a more perfect and satisfying future than one that allows me the neverending opportunity to be rude to paying customers for the rest of my years here on God's Great Earth.

I hope you will give my application its due consideration. I am available for interviews anytime. I have also attached a list of people that I have insulted and been snotty to over the past few years in case you wish to call for references to how well I would suit your wonderful culture.

Yours humbly

emy future family... :) yay

Poverty

I've decided to bite the bullet and pay alot of moolah for a HARDCOVER version of Terry Pratchett's Making Monay.

No you can't search inside.

Also I've just bought myself a new badminton racquet which is a Prince Oversize XP which is very expensive. But now that I am unable to find it on google I am getting worried that I paid RM 320 for a what is commonly known as a RIP-OFF.

0_0

Apart from the expensive book (planned outlay) and expensive racquet (outlayed outlay), I have also been indulging in my sushi fetish which is expensive, and despite what the Japs say, YES sushi can be fattening! (especially if you eat enough to fill a large Hummer)

Also I have bought a computer, which was very expensive. But it is a Dell, so it is not So Bad.

Also I have bought a camera, which was also very expensive.

And apart from the book, expensive racquet, sushi overdoes, computer and camera, I have also bought another computer. i don't want to talk about it. OK.

And then I realized that I was broke.

Brog Schmorg

Hmmm... I've been such a prolific brogger of late that I surprises myself. Maybe its because there are so many things to talk about! Or maybe its just because there is no one to talk to.

-_-

OkAaaaay, let's not go there.

Have been rewatching episodes of Sex in The City which are definitely the opposite of what anti-depressants do. Since I'm teetering towards 30, its really awful to watch Sarah Jessica Parker, Kim Catrall and the other two What's-Their-Face in the (konon-nya) late 20s / early 30s potter around New York city living the most FabUuULous lives, with the most FabUuULous clothes at the most FabUuULous parties, looking so ab-sO-FabUuULous.

After that I start thinking about my own routine and really just want to suffocate myself.

i think this has alot to do with my cubicle and the unholy fluorescent lighting.

Stupid fluorescent lights. AAAAAAAAAAAAAarghk

i want to go out and play badminton, and watch stupid movie, and eat crappy popcorn, and barbeque in an ungentrified park, and sleep late, and run, and read terry pratchett.

-_-

BUT NO

i am here. in my CUBICLE

Heeby Jeebies

I got the heebie-jeebies today after sending my dad a technical paper I thought he would fancy and he replied,

"Thank you. I luv such papers..."

It is so salah on so many dimensions, I cannot begin to think how.

There goes my Cholesterol Management Plan

Wendy's has landed in Malaysia. This poses to me a very disconcerting and soul-ripping dilemma. I need to weigh the pros and cons of this:

Cons
1. Early death from Heart Attack
2. It is in Sunway Pyramid - grossest vilest shopping Mall in Malaysia, possibly.... THE WORLD
3. I will be giving money to Vincent Tan - grossest vilest excuse for an entrepreneur in Malaysia, possibly.... THE WORLD

Pros
1. Stack Attack Double Cheeseburger
2. Spicy Baconator
3. 1/2 lb Double with Cheese
4. Ultimate Chicken Grill
5. let's say it together... CHOCOLATE FROSTY!!!!!!!!!

... Lipitor... here I come

Today's TooDoo

Yesterday's To do list was a bit of a failure. But nevertheless we will try again, as Randy Pausch says, "brick walls are there to keep all the others (pathetic gits) out (from attaining god-hood and immortality)"

Note: words in brackets are mine, not his, but its what he meant

so...

NEVER GIVE UP!

NEVER GIVE IN!

hence...

Todays TOODOO LIST

1. Finish TWO (2) Chapters of Neverending Report
2. Restrain from Cholesterol Overload (minor success for the day, I have resisted the Nasi Lemak Lure of Death.. Hahaha. My first step towards living a long immortal life)
3. Go home early and start reading ONE (1) part of training pack
4. Not blog until I have finished Item 1 above

If the list above sounds strangely familiar, its because it is, and I didn't get very far down the list yesterday. BUT

ToDAY IS A NEW DAY with NEW BEGINNNINGS

ROOoOOOar

Why I am confirm go to hell

From an actual resume that landed on my desk:

Okay Serious.

Okay Serious Post.

Five Goals for Today

1. Finish TWO (2) chapters of the Neverending Report
2. Watch my cholesterol intake (this is after having devoured my morning artery clogging Nasi Lemak)
3. Go home early to do my trainin... eegah... Cannot.
3. Go play badminton and then go home early-ish
4. Not blog until I have finished Item 1 above
5. Reading ONE (1) section of the Training Pack that I have printed and bound since last week but not opened

Feeling Bad

Weather: sad, :(

I feel really bad because I've been neglecting my dog. She did a doo-doo where doggy doo-doos should not have been done, and hence I have banished her to the ignominious corner of the house where she had to spend her night on the cold hard floor.

This morning when I got up to go to work, she cheerfully greeted me and attempted to get back into my good graces by acting cute and trying to get into my car as usual.

But I steeled myself and looked at her angrily and sternly told her she was a Bad Dog. When I drove out of the porch, she sat there sadly wondering what hath gone wrong.

Now I feel bad because I cannot wipe off that sad doggy face from my brain.Tonight when I go home, I will shower her with love and affection to make up for the awful neglect. She will also get one extra Egg Yolk that she likes even though she is on the verge of being Grossly Obese.

Happier Times (not for Conrad)

Poop would feel thoroughly disgusted by this post.

Ground breaking ways

A groundbreaking way to get out of class action suits:

"In total, 17,000 shareholders have filed 2,770 claims over the 2000 share sale and a previous issue in 1999, for which a court date has not yet been set. About 1,000 have since withdrawn their claims or died. "

When Genius Failed

Yesterday, I finally finished the book, When Genius Failed by Roger (is it roger? maybe it's michael, or bert) Lowenstein which chronicled the rise and fall of the hedge fund Long Term Capital Management ("LTCM").

After the book, I felt a great weight lifted off my shoulders and I finally came to peace with myself over my failure in CFA Level 3 due to not covering 3 whole chapters on derivatives

I failed because derivatives are a form of unregulated, devious financial products borne of the evilness of evil financial gnomes to make billions of dollars at the expense of normal people. Only godless heathens would seek to understand and embrace such complex financial products that reek of Satan worship.

I failed because in my hearts of hearts I could not embrace something that I did not agree or believe in.

NOT because I was lazy and too stupid to understand swaps and options.

no.

...

Okay, maybe 10% Laziness and 90% Righteous Anger

...

Maybe 50/50

...

Nevermind.

Yay Malaysia!

Weather: Sunny.

Just as I thought April was turning out to be a really awful month, I see a headline in The Star that says "Proposal to prosecute non-Muslims for khalwat". This promptly cheered me up to no end.

I'm really glad to see Malaysians moving in a positive direction for a change and really pushing for steps to be taken to cure all social ills that currently plague society. Khalwat, (for the uninformed) is prosecution for members of the opposite sex who are found to be in close proximity (e.g. alone in the same room) if such members are not married or related.

Currently it only applies to Muslims in their syariah court, and not the other godless idol-worshipping heathens who also reside in Malaysia but the article has said that a judge in the syariah court has forwarded a proposal to the Attorney-General of the civil courts for non-Muslims to be subjected to the same penalties and punishment.

This is very good news.

Finally I can think of bringing children in this world who will be safe from the lawless morally deviant society as it is today and be secure in the knowledge that they will be protected from the evils of being in close proximity with the opposite sex.

Let us prosecute all the salacious sex-obsessed animals who cannot prevent themselve from indulging in carnal behaviour when in proximity with the opposite sex.

Let us purge all these deviant behaviour of socializing outside our gender from our glorious nation.

Let men and women never be in the same room without fear of punishment and jailtime unless they are married.

Because let's face it. When a man and a woman are together in close proximity, what can they be thinking about but tearing each other's clothes off and indulging in gross sexual misconduct.

In fact while we are at it, I think the Malaysian government should also seriously consider imposing other rules such as allowing all men to have four wives, imposing mandatory tudung wear, not allowing wives to inherit a husband's fortune upon his demise and other such practical moral laws - the lack of which has been a great contributor in the morally deplorable behaviour of the non-Muslim heathens.

Not imposing khalwat on the Non-Muslims has been the single greatest factor in the rise of the many ills that plague our great nation such as rape, stolen children, drug abuse, broken families, snatch thefts, murders and homosexuality.

Barisan Nasional's inability to push through such an unpopular but ultimately beneficial measure of imposing khalwat on non-Muslims was also the key reason that it was tsunami-ed in the recent elections. In order to show its commitment to rebuilding a harmonious multi-cultural nation, Barisan Nasional must support this! Do you really want HEATHENS to run your country!?

I laud the syariah court judge, Datuk Mohd Asri Abdullah, for his foresight and bravery in proposing what would certainly be a non-popular change. All the idol-worshipping Buddhists, Christians, Hindus, agnostics and atheists will finally have some form of moral framework upon which to base their misguided life.

To be able to look beyond the immoral wants of a secular society, and to be able to grasp that fundamentally such a change would be to their long-term benefit takes great great wisdom.

What a guy! Man of the Year! Acknowledge his Greatness!

While he's at it, I hope he also puts forth a proposal to jail all homosexuals or at least exile them to the secular God-less deviant nation of Singapore where they can wreck havoc with their obvious immorality. Datuk Asri, you know you want to.

By the way, Datuk, if you are reading this, and need a 2nd or 3rd wife to help you cook, clean and bear your many many children by having ridiculous amounts of sex without childbirth control (because that too is deviant anti-God behaviour), please, drop me line.

------

I can't take this shit anymore. I bet this guy is an UMNO member - only they have the insolence to sprout such nonsense at will without fear of severe reprecussions. PAS members would probably be caught dead talking shit like this.

God, please send the plague upon Datuk Asri Abdullah, or at least grant him the gift of Irritable Bowel Syndrome for the rest of his days here on earth. Thank you.

Stress Gila

Weather: Thunderstorm

I'm very stressed.
I'm very stressed.
I'm very stressed.
I'm very stressed.
I'm very stressed.
I need a cookie.
I'm very stressed.
I'm very stressed.
I'm very stressed.

Someone unknot my brain. Please.