A Wedding, A Funeral and A Near Death Experience

Part Une. Wedding

It was only after I heard the phrase, " You mean you HAVEN'T PREPARED YET?" the seventh time that I figured all was not smoothy woothy hairy fairy. I figured, emcee speech... pfffffft.... This was me. Public Speaker Extraordinaire - with an amazing resume of astounding oratory successes:

(1) Melafazkan Ikrar Sekolah dan Rukunegara - Standard 6, Age 12;
(2) Melafazkan Rukunegara dan Menyanyi Lagu Negaraku- Form 4, Age 16;
(3) Master's Thesis Defence to a massive audience of four people (actually 3 professors, plus one who just came in for the free Krispy Kreme donuts)

I was going to go for Inspirational-And-Heartbreakingly-Touching but completely off the cuff. I wanted to tap into the inner charismatic public speaking persona that is hidden oh so deep within myself and so that I can unleash my potential and tap intofuture career opportunities holding seminars on how to EMPOWER yourself to make ONE BILLION dollars before you exhale.

Anyway, I'm keeping my day job for now.

Part Deux. The Funeral

When I got home, my dad told me my granduncle had passed away. He had been sick for a while now, with cancer- the same vicious little turd of an illness that took my grandfather away.

Digressing.

I was just sitting there, minding my own business, trying not to feel too awkward in a family of strangers, when my grandfather sat down in front of me. Of course it wasn't really my grandfather because he's dead and six feet under, but then he was because... There He Was. It was the most confusing blur in my life:

0:01 Gong gong! (happy)
0:02 wait...
0:03 he's dead (confused)
0:04 but There He Is (happy)
0:05 I wonder if he knows about ahma (guilty)
0:06 ...
0:07 it's not him...
0:08 ...

It wasn't him of course. It was third granduncle. The last man standing. It wasn't him.

i wish it had been.

you know?

Part Tres. The Near Death Experience

After the funeral, I had a near death experience where I was viciously ambushed by a stomach virus. I spent a day getting to intimately know my toilet bowl from all angles.

For three days, I drank nothing but fruit juice and ate no solid food.

BUT I STILL WEIGH THE SAME.

life is.

unfair.

moods

woke up in a funny mood caused by a very bad dream
started the undercurrent of dissatisfaction that seems to be today's theme
didn't mean for that to rhyme
guess shit happens all the time

The Dress- Episode 2

No. of days left to wedding: 3
No. of dresses required: 2
No. of dresses in closet: 2
No. of suitable dresses in closet after eliminating banned colours: 0
No. of thoughts today about buying suitable dress: 2,367
% of thoughts occuring during important brainstorming meeting: 78%
No. of times boss went, "Are you listening?": 7

Depth of shit pool that am in as result of dress-less state: Jurang Mariana

The Dress - Episode 1

Went hunting for a dress - two to be more specific, which has since been whittled down to one, in light of complete failure to find anything appropriate for morning wear (sorry Freak i must show up in my trademark pajamas for your tea ceremony, but I know you will forgive me and you have forgiven my countless other fashion transgressions)

After hunting around Sungai Wang and Lot 10, and all the smelly little boutiques in between, I finally emerged with:

1. One new pair of Hush Puppies court shoes for the stylish urban working woman
2. One new bottle of Shu Uemura Water Foundation for the stylish urban working woman to camouflage not so stylish Zit Monster of Doom
3. One new Ah Lian mini jacket that I will never wear again

Which brings me ZERO closer to my whole point of shopping, which is the EmCee dress.

So screwed. So screwed. So screwed.

I just want something that does not make me look like Jabba in Drag. OK?

Panic

Freaky's wedding is 4 days away and I still:

1. Have not gotten a dress
2. Have not taken a proper look at schedule
3. Have not found out what exactly an 'EMCEE' does
4. Have not lost 10 pounds
5. Have not gotten her a wedding present

ShhHHHhhIIiiIIITtttTTTeeeeeeee