i'm sorry

i know you don't read, but nevertheless, i unreservedly apologise.

The ART of self-loathing

Whhhyyyyy??????????????

Beware the pool

I would like to sincerely thank Hishamuddin for damning a whole subset of students to Pool of Doom teachers. So far in the Competition to see WHICH IDIOT POLITICIAN DOES THE MOST LASTING DAMAGE TO THE COUNTRY, Hishamuddin is Champion! All hail the Champion!

Excerpt of an online conversation

Me: hey
Annoyed Person: yup...
Me:waAAAASUuuuUUP
Annoyed Person: super busy la
Annoyed Person: dammit
Me:oh. ok
Annoyed Person: getting annoyed...
Me: don't.
Me:here is a chill pill >O<
Me:take it
Annoyed Person: what the hell is that?
Me:a chill pill
Me:so that you chillz
Annoyed Person: you crack me up...
Me: ok. i'm annoying you. i will leave you alone now
Me:byez

A post in three parts

Part I. LAST NIGHT

Last night may have been a mistake. I haven't really decided yet, but it will probably bite me in the ass later on as I start snoring in front of my boss as he demands an explanation for my "analysis" and "calculations", for which I have none (No explanation that is, the analysis is there, it's just, how do you say, like a really good work of Fiction, which may not be appropriate for a serious Cost Benefit Analysis which is going to be presented to real practicing economist type people. Then again he may be astounded by my ability to conjure up Magic Numbers, and tweak Excel spreadsheets, and give me a Very Large Raise and a Car... or not.)

Coming home at 3am on a Working Day is so wrong, on so many levels starting right at how you can hardly keep your eyes open. It's hard enough to focus my ADD self on a normal goodish day. But Mambo was good, I only did the Robot dance once, so I consider myself well behaved.

Oh my god, I forgot to confiscate the pictures from Elise. Shite.

Part II. CHINESE NEW YEAR AFTER(DURING?)MATH

My pants decided to greet the fourth day of CNY by ripping at the zipper. I put them back together with a nifty safety pin and pray that people do not notice the glint of silver against my my beautiful brown GAP pants. I hope the safety pin does not dislodge itself and poke me, because that would be a Very Disastrous Thing.

Yesterday I had an 8 course lunch and then promptly flounced over to Poopie's house and demanded to be fed. For which I was given a warm awesome plate of Hokkien Mee (mmmm) by her fantastic Feeding Machine Dad. After Mambo, we went back to her place, and I nimbly stepped across the snoring bodies of her family sprawled across her living room to free the pot Bak Gua from the middle of the bodies. I felt like Harry Potter in the one where Colin dies, and he gets this Cup which is actually not a cup, but something like an evil Star Trek Transporter that takes him to Voldemort, anyway there was a large and dangerous maze involved, which was kind of like Poopie's living room. I liberated the Bak Gua and ate it. I am the Liberating Machine.

PART III. UNINVITED

Freaky Alice has not sent me an engagement party invitation card, which makes me a Sad Liberating Machine. I am posting this here because I know she reads this blog when she's actually supposed to be designing culverts for the State of California where she is misusing State Property for her own entertainment.

To get back at her, I'm not sending her my Wild Party of The Century invitation card. I'm not actually throwing a Wild Party of The Century, but I could have, and if I did I would not invite her.

I have decided that if she does not invite me to her wedding, I will gatecrash in an alien suit and pretend to try to take Freaky Alice home to Plant Bong where she is actually from. This will surprise the guests and provide hours of endless entertainment and many lawsuits.


END

Hallelujah

I have work. But I am Shirking It, because I'm in a Holiday Mood, which makes it acceptable, because I am Chinese.

Happy Chinese New Year!!!

I always like Chinese New Year, despite it being a time not unlike the tension filled Emergency Period of Malaya. Where there are hidden minefields everywhere, a devious little relatives just waiting to pounce on you and demand an explanation for your Singledom once every three minutes. Where the inevitable yelling spree with parents will break out. Where the anticipation of reunion dinner inevitably outweighs the actual dinner itself, which will be a sedate and very very normal affair. Where my grandmother will still be neurotic and a little barmy bouncing off walls.

....

BUT!! Chinese New Year is definitely one of the main reasons why I like being Chinese. (Other reasons include because you are Chinese, it is culturally acceptable to do many things like be really stingy, use a toothpick, pray to a God of Money, eat lots and lots and lots of pork...). Chinese New Year is a time when all the Chinese in the world gather around and say "Hallelujah!"

So...

HALLELUJAH! IT'S CHINESE NEW YEAR!!! YAAAY!!!

Health and Safety Alert!

Why Ipod Nano's are Hazardous to General Health and Well-being

1. Causes inadverdent breaking out into robot dance to Jamie Foxx's "U Still Got It" in middle of busy Bukit Bintang street much to amusement of hordes of foot massagers and touristy people.

2. Bosses's already low opinion of you plummets even more as he yells at you from 5 ft away until he is blue in the face to come over for discussion as you bop to the beats of Queen's "I Want To Break Free"

3. Make emotional crying faces in car during traffic jams as you belt out James Blunt's "Tears and Rain", incorrect lyrics and all

4. Spend all your 'I Must Finish My Report Time' converting CDs to iPod format, searching for CD covers to load onto iPod, and rating them (Oasis's "The Importance of Being Idle" - 4 stars!!!; David Tao's - "Black Tangerine" - 2 stars; Zhou Hua Jian's "Wang You Cao" - 3 stars )

5. Indiscriminately downloading multiple audiobooks from audible.com, and enthusiastically paying for it before remembering that prices are listed in US DOLLARS, while currency of salary received is RINGGIT which is 3.5 times smaller, making you a poorer, and sadder little person

Am the proud owner of a 4GB iPod Nano - Man's greatest invention after electricity and penicilin. (Silver colour, so very Non-Ah Lian. So cool!)

Freakazoid Gets Married: Part 1

Today is the first installment of what will be a recurring series here on Attack of the Pansies.

This is the story of how the Freakazoid (aka Freaky Alice) gets married.

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Once upon a time, in a faraway land, there was a very freaky person called Freaky Alice. One day, while this very freaky person was designing a large culvert for the state of California, she spied, in the corner of her eye, and equally freaky looking person named (coincidentally!) Freaky Hou.

It was love at first sight, for the two loving freaks were a match made in Freak Heaven. They both were lazy freaks who loved nothing better than lounging around and eating barbeque. Freaky Alice also found a connection not only with Freaky Hou, but with his Mahjong Playing Freaky Family where they all spent many hours freakily whiling away time going, "POM! MAHJONG!"

It was beautiful.

One day, Freaky Hou kidnapped Freaky Alice and tied her to a hot air balloon. While they were in the hot air balloon, Freaky Hou threatened to let the balloon sail to Uganda if Freaky Alice did not agree to marry him! Freaky Alice was not scared, but rather puzzled, she didn't know where Uganda was! After worrying for a while, she decided it was safer to just say yes.

And so... Freaky Alice was proposed to, and said yes.

End of Part 1

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Champion = Me

What kind of retard shows up at a SITE VISIT (think forest, think thick jungles, think hairy burly man with large parang slashing a path through thick Sulawesi jungle....)

in heels? o_O (and skirt)

....

What kind of retard, after...

- tramped through a forest in a skirt and disturbingly high heels
- vowed to wear proper steel toe boots and massive army pants with two thousand pockets to future site visites

waits a couple of months.... and (drumroll) shows up at a site visit in heels again... o_O

This time, no forests, but there was a Ginormous Ladder, not unlike the beanstalk Jack had to climb to rob the Giant.

Which was VERY TALL. and VERY SCARY. and however tall and SCARY ladders are. They are taller and scarier when you are wearing Hush Puppy Leather Heels.

To which the operations manager taking us around said, " Hmm, maybe your footwear is not so suitable..."

NOOoooOOooOoo... REeeeeaLLllLY??? You THINK?

Anyway, everyone always thought I was a bit of a prat. Now they think I'm a retarded prat. Goddammit.

The very tall ladder that the Champion had to climb up... in heels

I tell you. I'm the champion ok? I'm just the all time, awe inspiring, reigning, super power, CHAMPION.

Thank you. Thank you very much.